Today’s task is to say ten (TEN!) things I do that I don’t like, or flaws I see in myself… this is going to be rough!

1) I’m  a know-it-all. I always have to be right. I’m constantly telling people useless facts which I find fun, but I wonder if it isn’t actually really annoying.

2) I do things in spurts. This really annoys me. For an entire week, I will be gung-ho on something, but I can never seem to keep the momentum going. Take this blog, for instance. I don’t know if it’s because I get distracted by newer things that come up, or because I get bored… or… I just suck at keeping things going long-term.

3) I’m afraid of relationships. I don’t like to admit it, but I was really badly burned in a relationship and it’s left me in this weirdly dependent/fearful state. I’m trying my best to get over it, and it’s taken a long, long time (going on nine months now), but I think I’m almost there.

4) I don’t like myself when I can’t get motivated. If I spend the day sitting at home in my jammies, watching TV or even reading a good book, I can never see it as a “day off”. It’s just a day wasted.

5) I can’t relax. This one is tied into #4 and it just dawned on me as I was typing it. I don’t know why I can’t just take a day off. I think to truly enjoy a day of nothing, I would need to do it right and plan to have a luxurious bath, a great meal, a fantastic book, etc. Not just randomly do things like shower when I can’t stand being unshowered any more.

6) I brag. I HATE it when I catch myself bragging. Sometimes I’m not sure if it’s just that I have a healthy amount of pride – after all, it isn’t good when people are super shy and unsure of themselves – but sometimes there is a voice in my head yelling “Just stop talking! SHUT IT DOWN!”

7) I don’t like to be hugged (usually). This sometimes makes me feel cold or emotionless. Emily knows I don’t like to be hugged and she will sometimes hug everyone in a group and skip me, and that makes me feel weird, too. I especially don’t like to be hugged by women I don’t know very well, or the “caught ya!” kind of hug that some people do by coming up from behind. I hate to be hugged when I am in the middle of a sentence or project – it feels like a rude interruption (if you want to be dramatic, find another way). People who are currently allowed to hug me are: family, close friends. Maybe I should work on this. Or maybe I should just accept that I am not a huggy person.

8 ) I pick at myself. I don’t mean this as in “I am very critical of myself”, I mean that I literally pick at myself. I can’t leave a hangnail alone. When I was in Europe I destroyed my feet by running around in horrible, horrible shoes (second hand and too small – what was I thinking? Invest in some new shoes, dammit!), and ever since, where the blisters formed calluses, they have peeled. And I sit there and help them along. It’s disgusting at the time, and it leaves me with gross, peely hands and feet. Eeeew. I hate it.

9) I spend too much time at my computer. Not just browsing the internet or Facebooking, necessarily; I don’t watch TV or rent movies, so this is where I watch all of the programs/videos I actually do enjoy. I do any freelance/volunteer work (when I have it) on my computer. I use Skype to talk to friends because I really don’t enjoy talking on the phone, and it can be expensive. I Photoshop. I update my iPod. And there is also the Facebook aspect, this blog… etc. Biggs just gives up on me and goes to bed, rousing himself when I go into the kitchen to scavenge for food. When I moved into my current house, I was too lazy to hook up my internet right away, and it was strangely liberating. I didn’t sit at the computer for hours, because there was no point. I found myself occasionally watching TV, even. But at the same time, my brain was always calculating just how many emails were probably piling up, what could have happened with my friends that I didn’t know about, and which episodes I was missing of my favourite TV series.

10) I’ve become a city dwelling homebody. I used to love love love love love the outdoors. My mom couldn’t keep me inside. I’d bugger off with the instructions to “be home by dinner”. I could spend the entire day walking around with my dog – to the horse park, to the river, up the beacon hill to look down at the city, all the way down the railroad tracks to Kamloops lake to pick up rocks, chase the seagulls and scavenge around the old TB hospital (people call it an asylum, too?). Now I don’t do anything remotely resembling that. I give myself a million excuses, such as “well, if I had a car, I could take the dog and head to the hills for a hike, or take a day trip to Banff, or go shopping, camping, to a lake… etc.” It is harder without a car, but… I also blame Alberta. Calgary, specifically. “There aren’t any mountains or lakes here. I hate it – it’s so dry and flat“. I feel clumped in to the city. I feel like everything natural is far, far away, and it would take too much effort to get there. I feel like the sky is pushing down on my head all of the time because there are no mountains to give it perspective. Sometimes I have dreams that I am on a city bus, and suddenly I am lost, in the mountains, but it’s ok, because I have been looking forward to a good hike, anyway. But the reality is that it takes $9 just for me and the dog to take city transit somewhere and back, and city busses don’t run to the really rocky parts. I want to run, climb, swim, touch rocks and trees and feel glaciers melting again. I miss that heartbeat a lot…. But I do love some things about the big city, too.

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