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E has this sneaky thing he does. He knows it too. Whenever we order something like, say pizza, he will chow down at a ratio of E 3, Christa 1. So if I have two, he’ll have about five or six. Etc. This also happens with home-cooked meals. The other night my eyes nearly popped out of my head when he ate about 6 pounds of chili fries, leaving about 2 cups of leftovers on the pan… I commented, “Wow, you WERE hungry!” while I thought about beans and gastrointestinal tracts).

Then (and this is the really sneaky part), he is generous enough to usually leave me with the leftovers, even if it was HIS dinner, and not mine. I get left with roast beef I didn’t even sample at our dinner out, styrofoam after styrofoam of Chinese samplings, tomatoes and pasta, cold chicken and rice… you name it, it’s been leftover for me to eat.

Assume that you make enough for two people to eat, and you expect them to eat a larger share than you, with the same proportions as leftovers for lunch. Then, they DO eat more than you at dinner, but consistently stick you with the leftovers. The leftovers are usually about 3x what you had intended to actually eat. If you’re reading this properly, you’re realizing that he’s eating the hot, fresh, deliciousness that we hadn’t tasted in the last 48 hours. And me? I eat the same, cold, or over-microwaved meal at least a few times before I just can’t do it. I swear to God I will not eat any more leftovers while he has Subway for lunch and A&W for dinner. It’s a revolution! A LLR – Lunchtime Leftover Revolution.

Oh, I’ve tried confronting him, and his response is (inevitably), “I try! I just forget!”… usually he says this after eating 3 of the 4 microwave dinners in the freezer. I assume he has bothered to pop his head into the fridge first, to see what there is to eat, and thought, “Nah”.

Tonight, he made potato soup. It was very delicious, and very sweet of him, because he did take the time to notice today that I usually bear the brunt of cooking and tidying up the kitchen. I took a more-than-lunch-worth portion for work tomorrow (noticing that there are still THREE-AND-FOUR-DAY leftovers balefully glaring at me from the cold light of the 40 watt bulb).

Ultimatum: If he doesn’t eat potato soup at lunch tomorrow, it’s his dinner! I feel like my parents, making me eat for breakfast the things I was greedy enough to put on my plate, but didn’t eat. The dogs eat more leftovers than he does, and I am not exaggerating – they actually SPOIL in the fridge before he “remembers” to eat them, and I just can’t keep up.

I think I’ll go to the store and buy a billion equal-portion tupperwares, then split up all food, PRE-leftover, into regular portions. And serve them that way at dinner – no more plates! I’ll lovingly masking-tape our names in equal numbers on each lovely, lidded tupperware. He can eat three to my one – LEFTOVERS INCLUDED!

RARRRR!